That Gnawing Feeling

Walker is keeping me up at night. I can't stop thinking about him. I try to be patient but as anyone who knows me can testify, patience isn't my strong suit.

All I can think about is getting my horse to canter. We've been together for 6 months and we still have problems. He has successfully thwarted my efforts and he knows it, which bothers me more and more each day. As much as we are improving on our consistency, I can't help but think that we are also taking a step backwards. I realize that we are getting better in the sense that a few months ago we could lope some days and not the next. In this way, we have improved because we can lope to a certain degree every day now. However, in those days when I successfully managed to get him to lope, I could sometimes do more at the lope than I am able to do now. I have traded consistency for skill.

Part of the problem is me, of course. I HATE my lessons. They make me anxious, not because I'm afraid that I'm going to fall off or anything like that, but I'm afraid that I'm going to make a fool of myself. I'm afraid that my instructor will ask me to canter (not even necessarily to canter a pattern) and I will be unable to do it, or more likely that Walker will bolt and that will be the end of that. This weird anxiety about loping has been around since before Walker, and it's not an anxiety of the danger of loping or what may happen. It's really just a performance anxiety. I don't like the stress of having to perform, and I honestly have this performance anxiety in many aspects of my life.

Because of this, I often refuse to lope in my lessons which means that I never have the benefit of a trained pair of eyes. I try to solve my problems myself and to a certain extent that works for me. But I still have problems at the lope that, although improving to a point, may have improved faster if I was using my lessons to the ultimate degree.

Added to this is the time factor. We have a maximum of one month left outside. Once we move inside, I'll have new issues and I won't be able to handle my old issues until I move to the new barn, which means I will never solve my problems outside at this barn. We are significantly limited in the indoor arena. There's barely room to attempt a simple lead change. Most loping is just in a small circle because that's all you can fit in. I will never get to the complicated patterns until I move and I will simply be over-anxious about them because I'll be with a new instructor. If I could manage all that now, I would be less anxious when I start my new lessons. But more likely I will not accomplish my goals and I will take several months at the new barn before I even try to do those things because my performance anxiety will kick in big time.

Walker is difficult. This is pretty much the theme of this entire blog. There is no doubt that he can be ridden, but he doesn't make it easy. I see other girls on horses that are "difficult" in other ways, but even they can manage to lope. Now tonight it is raining and we won't ride outside. I was initially excited because obviously I wouldn't have to showcase my problems at the lope. Once again my performance anxiety is taking over my life, and all the while I have that gnawing feeling that we will never improve, that I will never get a handle on my horse, and because of this, I'll never sleep. I want to succeed at this. It is my dream. And so far not so good.