It's Wednesday today and so in a little over 2 hours and a half, I have a riding lesson. Naturally that has put me in a very bad mood because like every Wednesday for the past few months, it has been raining all day, but it manages to stop by the evening so that I am still forced to ride Walker outside (instead of inside where I know we could excel). My instructor is a big proponent of riding outside for as long as we can since the ground will be frozen in a month or so and it will no longer be a viable option. These days I HATE riding outside, and I even notice myself riding inside on days when I'm by myself, even when it's not raining, even when the only reason I have is that Walker seems too invigorated by the fresh air for my liking.
Obviously I have a problem, and obviously that problem is some sort of fear. I have spent today trying to discern what that fear truly is. I know that I have said before that I have a type of performance anxiety so that I naturally get more nervous when I am in a lesson (group or otherwise) because it bothers me to look like a fool (which, when I'm riding, seems to be more often than naught).
However, I'm starting to think that it's more than that. You see, I've been debating buying that event bridle that I posted yesterday (which I'm pretty sure I'm going to buy now), and it made me deeply reflect on my goals and dreams. You see, the bridle is an "event" bridle, and obviously I don't event. Now, I realize that a bridle is a bridle and I can use whatever I want day-to-day, but the fact of the matter is that I have certain aspirations for myself and Walker (and even just for myself) that I worry will never be realized. I trotted Walker over his first crossrail last week and happily told everyone at the barn. My barn owner (who helped me buy him) specifically congratulated me, but with the caveat that he would probably never accomplish more than that. I know that he can jump at least a 2 foot vertical (since he did it in the video with his last owner), but I understand having only jumped him that one day that he really doesn't have the natural ability or talent. It upsets me a lot because one of the things I asked for in a horse was a horse that could jump, and while I am happy that I got Walker for a multitude of reasons (one of the most fundamental being that I probably could not have handled a horse with the talent to jump 3+ foot fences), I will probably not be able to work towards the discipline I am most interested in with him (jumping, eventing, etc.). I love Walker with all my heart, and so that only leaves me the option of leasing a horse that can do those things or else buying one, neither of which is an option for me financially (which is a whole other sob story in and unto itself).
All that being said, when I dream of being a jumper or an eventer, or I dream of galloping across the field or riding on the beach, I think what I am truly dreaming about is being a fearless rider - which I obviously am not. I watched Heartland this past weekend and I was particularly interested in what Amy said to Mallory as she was teaching Mallory and Georgie how to jump. She said that children are naturally fearless and it's alright that Mallory wasn't progressing as fast. This is my problem entirely. I get jealous of the kids at the barn or even older riders who I'm friends with who seem to be progressing faster than me or else who are doing the things that I want to do because I'm still stuck with a horse that bolts during lessons and who refuses to lope an entire circle on his bad lead. I can blame Walker all I want, but a more accomplished rider, and undoubtedly a more fearless rider, probably would not have these problems with him.
The truth of the matter is that I dread my lessons. And what do I dread about them? Well, it's true that I dread performing, since I dreaded my lessons long before I had Walker, but now my new dread is of him bolting. He proves to me time and again that he's going to do it in the circumstances (the circumstances being multiple horses, outdoor arena, nighttime, fall), and I'm starting to "fear" it. Now when I say fear, I have yet to decide if I fear it in the sense that I'm afraid that I'm going to fall off and hurt myself (since his bolting has not managed to unseat me yet - knock on wood) or if I just fear it in the sense of unadulterated dread that it will ruin my lesson, that it will make me look like I can't control my horse, that I will look like an idiot, that I am wasting my time. There's something different about Walker bolting compared to Walker refusing to canter frantic corner. I don't dread the latter the way I dread the former. The latter frustrates me beyond all hell, but there's something more to my fear of him bolting, something about not having control and the consequences of that.
I want to be a fearless rider. I think that this is key to progressing. When some people start riding, they are nervous to trot (like I originally was with Walker when I first got him), but when you conquer that fear, it becomes no big deal (we trot all the time; I love it). I used to be nervous about cantering him, and now I see those nerves starting to dissipate. They still exist but only minimally in the sense that I am nervous that I won't be able to get him to do what I want him to do at the canter, not that I'm going to fall off or anything serious. In all reality, if I hop on Walker tonight and he decides to bolt across the arena (which, let's be fair, is simply his version of a canter that won't stop), I should just force him to continue to canter, control the bolt, push him onward so that slowing down seems like the better option for him. I know that this is the solution with him. I know him, so I know this would work, but for whatever reason, I just shut down. I pull back and ask him to stop, and then I refuse to give him any more leeway for the rest of the lesson, refuse sometimes to even trot or barely let him pick up the pace. I continue to punish him for the entirety of the lesson and instead let the fear stew down deep inside of me instead of confronting it.
I don't know what that fear is or what it truly means - whether I am afraid to fall off, afraid to lose control, afraid to look like a fool, etc. But I need to get over it. Because the rest of my dreams can't come true until I do.
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