The Breakup

Walker and I had a breakup tonight. I think we need some space.

I could tell something was wrong by the way
he went to the corner of his stall after I tacked him up.
This is him sad and presumably in pain after I coaxed
him into the hall.

It all started when he turned up lame and I started to bawl. I had my suspicions earlier in the week that this was going to happen because the ground at the new barn is very hard and has a lot of rocks. Walker only wears front shoes but I quickly noticed that the other horses at the barn all wore four. His back feet have been chipping and deteriorating all week, and frankly I was just hoping that either they would harden enough to be passable or else I could hold out a couple weeks and get the farrier when he's actually due. Unfortunately, that's not the case and I have called him to see when is the soonest he can come.

This really broke my heart more than any of the other times in the past 3 months that something bad has happened. It was not a good week - at work, in my personal life, etc. I was really looking forward to riding my horse all weekend long, even if it was just at the walk, even if it was just for a half hour. And it was going to be sunny and warm. And if you haven't heard me say it before, I'll tell you again: I live in what I like to call The City of Despair where it is never warm and never sunny. So this is a big deal.

Our breakup happened because I decided to give him some bute to help him feel better. After all, I wouldn't want him to be in pain, and I have been nursing him for 3 months at this point, tending to his every need.

I should preface the rest of this post by explaining I have a horrible temper. It has taken me 20+ years to get a handle on it. Many people who meet me can't imagine this about me because I go to great lengths to keep myself calm, but people who know me very well know that it takes all of 10 seconds to set me off.

All that being said, I never lose my temper at the barn, around barn people, or especially around horses. If anything, horses have taught me more patience than I have ever had in any other area of my life. It is simply unfair to be angry at an animal who is confused or perhaps scared or does not simply agree with your methods and ideas.

But tonight I lost it. Absolutely LOST it.

Walker was a [insert a string of swear words here] tonight, and he physically slammed his head into my face. If I don't wake up tomorrow with a black eye or a swollen face, it will be a goddamn miracle. All I have wanted to do for the last year I have had him is look after him, and then he acts like an absolute jerk when I try to give him some meds just to keep the pain at bay.

I am ashamed to say he never got those meds. I am also ashamed to say that he was half-terrified of me by the time I left his stall. For the record, I did not do anything. I would not want people thinking I abused my horse, but he could definitely tell by my demeanour that I was livid, and when I reached to take his halter off so he could go back to eating hay, he spun so fast on his haunches thinking I was going to hurt him that I realized I needed to calm down.  (This is also a good lesson for those of you who may take your emotions to the barn - your horse picks up on them.  I can assure you).

I am also sad to say that for the first time ever, all I could think about was how I should just sell him and cut my losses. How he does none of the things I aspire to learn. How after all that, he's still a stubborn horse that won't even let me take care of him when he's in pain.  How maybe my barn owner was right and he does have too much attitude to be worth my while.

For whatever reason, it was Julie who calmed me down, although she doesn't know it.  I read her Liebster Award post and it made me smile.  That simple.  It's amazing what a smile can do.  So thanks.

The strong drink I mixed also helped.  But I'll attribute this one to Julie.  

For the meantime we are giving each other some much needed space, at least until the farrier can come and until he is sound. I simply do not have the mental fortitude to handle another blowout, not in the one area of my life which I actually enjoy.